Beyond the Pain

Most of my coaching clients are women. And, several of them suffer from fibromyalgia or other conditions that cause severe pain.

When I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia Dr. Donaldson
suggested that I was "Type A". I didn’t agree then. And, I don’t
completely agree now. Sure I can be driven and competitive but years of
chronic illness preceding the diagnosis long ago drove away any
tendencies to workaholism.

I began to ponder the characteristics that got me in trouble and
that I saw causing problems for my ‘wounded’ clients. What I saw were
people who put others first (last and always), failed to care for
themselves, and seemed to wedded to the notion of being Helpers.

I coined the term Type H to describe this condition.  Apparently though the syndrome I call Type H already exists. It is the "Cancer Personality".

I read the list of characteritics and it was BINGO!

Bang on on all aspects. Especially the one about stuffing anger.Many of my clients confess to harbouring deep seated RAGE.

So, how come some people manifest cancer and others fibro?

Actually in some way they aren’t all that different. Cancer occurs when
cells go wonky and mutate, growing crazily, like eating one’s own body.
(Do you like my scientific explanation?) Fibro has been labelled an
autoimmune condition where our immune system attacks the body.

Really, doesn’t it seem to be about self-hatred?

And, fear.

I was abused as a child. Every single one of my clients who is ‘wounded’ was abused in some way: sexually, physicially, emotionally, or psychologically.

That kind of serious abuse leaves deep, abiding wounds.

What’s really sad for me is that the wounded person then not only feels unloved, unlovable, but DO NOT love themselves! In fact, at a cellular level seem to hate themselves.

It is as if they are trying to kill the bad that was done to them.

Yet, Jude (quoting the apostles) said to hate the dirty garment not the person who wore it.

So, why do we hate ourselves so much that we manifest this pain?

I just had the delightful experience of 7 days without the pain of Fibromyalgia.

I attribute the experience to sunshine, sunshine, sunshine, heat, and dry weather.

Then last night we got word of a big system moving in. Thunder. Tons of rain. Cold, well at least relatively.

The air pressure plunged. The humidity soared. The wind screamed. The rain was horizontal. And, when I went to be I was fine — very, very tired but in no pain.

Then I woke at 2 a.m and the first thing I noticed was the PAIN.

My legs ached. My arms ached. My butt ached.

Then the pain grew. Soon IT was back. The screaming, crushing, blinding, PAIN.

When IT returns I am almost always devastated.

And, I have to work on THAT. That feeling. That emotion.

I’ve learned that focusing on the emotion only makes the pain worse.

So, I find ways not to think about the devastation.

I pray.

I recite my code word. This is a word I developed in my work with Energy Therapist Joan Hitlin.

Still though my little brain grinds.

Somehow, it FEELS like the pain that comes after days of NO pain is WORSE.

Maybe it’s the contrast. Maybe it’s just my imagination.

But, still it sucks.

And, I must get back to work on my attitude and my emotions.

I just wish the fucker would go away. Or, I could take a PILL.

But, I must do The Work.

RATS!